I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
