1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
