I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just forgot I was standing up.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
