I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
