My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
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