thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize