This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
