My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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