Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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