I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Drunk is a universal language darling
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
