last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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