He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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