I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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