WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
