OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
