why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
