Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
