I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize