the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
