dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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