Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
