Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
