omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Please, let me fuck your mom
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
