We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Every concussion has its silver lining
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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