I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Every concussion has its silver lining
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
