So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
