My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
