You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
