these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
