We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
