I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
