i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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