so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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