You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
