I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
