So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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