I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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