Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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