She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
