i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
