Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
