I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
