hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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