I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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