If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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