Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
