my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
