i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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