apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
