this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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