i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
someone owes me an orgasm
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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