FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
