I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
