I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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